The Achoo! Excuse My Anxiety Series
What if people don’t like me?
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if my romantic partner is upset with me?
What if something happens to my children?
What if tomorrow goes terribly wrong?
What if?
What if?
What if?
Our minds can become remarkably good at asking questions about things that haven’t happened.
And sometimes, the more questions we ask, the more anxious we become.
The interesting part is that we may believe we’re solving a problem.
But perhaps we’re actually spending an extraordinary amount of time thinking about something we don’t yet know.
I can relate to that.
Two Little Words
I have a tendency to “what if” things.
Sometimes I can even find myself ruminating, revisiting the same thoughts without actually getting anywhere particularly useful.
I’ve found it helpful to occasionally replace “What if?” with “What is?” I first learned this simple but powerful tool nearly two decades ago from my own psychologist, Dr. Lock, and it’s something I’ve continued to carry with me ever since.
Think about the difference.
“What if people don’t like me?”
Well, perhaps some people don’t.
That’s possible.
But what is actually true right now?
What is true is that I can do my best to be kind, say good morning, smile, and treat people well.
I cannot control whether everyone likes me.
And perhaps I don’t need to.
Or consider another example.
“What if my wife is upset with me?”
Maybe she is.
Maybe she isn’t.
Maybe she’s tired, distracted, thinking about something important, or simply having a quiet day.
I don’t actually know.
But what is true is that I cannot read her mind.
I can become curious about her day.
I can ask how she’s doing.
I can listen.
I can show her affection.
I can try to understand her experience rather than inventing one for her.
That doesn’t guarantee that she’ll never be upset with me.
Of course not.
But it helps me return to what I actually know and what I can actually choose to do.
And sometimes that’s enough to help me slow down.
The goal isn’t to pretend that nothing bad could happen.
Bad things happen.
People become disappointed.
Relationships experience conflict.
Life is uncertain.
“What is?” simply invites us to distinguish between what we know and what we’re imagining.
And perhaps that distinction gives us a little more room to breathe.
When Our Bodies Become Flooded
Sometimes, though, anxiety becomes so intense that changing our thinking isn’t particularly easy.
We may know that we’re overthinking.
We may recognize that we’re becoming defensive.
We may even understand exactly why we’re reacting the way we are.
And still struggle to settle down.
That’s because anxiety isn’t simply something happening in our thoughts.
Our bodies are involved too.
The Gottman Institute uses the term flooding to describe a state of physiological and emotional overwhelm in which our ability to listen, process information, and engage constructively can become significantly compromised.
In Gottman-based couples work, a heart rate around or above 100 beats per minute is often discussed as one possible indicator of physiological arousal during conflict, although individual differences, physical activity, and other factors matter. Flooding isn’t diagnosed by a single heart-rate number.
Imagine having a difficult conversation with someone you love.
Perhaps it begins relatively calmly.
Then something is said.
Someone’s tone changes.
A facial expression gets interpreted a particular way.
One person becomes defensive.
The other becomes frustrated.
Before long, both people are talking, but neither is doing much listening.
One person is trying to explain.
The other is preparing a rebuttal.
And both may be increasingly convinced that the other person simply doesn’t understand.
Sound familiar?
When we’re flooded, continuing the conversation may not be particularly productive.
Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is recognize that we need a break.
Not to avoid the conversation forever.
Not to punish the other person with silence.
But to give ourselves an opportunity to settle down before returning to something important.
In Gottman-based relationship work, taking a break of at least twenty minutes is commonly recommended when flooding occurs, with the understanding that the purpose is physiological self-soothing rather than rehearsing arguments or building a stronger case against the other person.
And when we’re ready, we can return to the conversation.
That’s an important distinction.
A break is not necessarily avoidance.
Sometimes it’s what makes a productive conversation possible.
Don’t Wait Until You’re Overwhelmed
Here’s another consideration.
We don’t have to wait until we’re completely flooded to begin self-soothing.
Actually, learning to regulate ourselves when anxiety is relatively low may help us become better at recognizing and responding to it when the intensity increases.
Remember our gym?
We don’t usually begin strength training by loading the bar with the heaviest weights in the building.
We start somewhere manageable.
Then we practice.
Self-regulation can work much the same way.
And there are plenty of ways to practice.
Some are quiet.
Some are active.
Some involve other people.
And some involve building a miniature Lamborghini.
Self-Soothing Doesn’t Have to Be Boring
There are lots of ways to self-soothe, and not all of them involve sitting quietly with our eyes closed while listening to ocean waves.
Although, if that’s your thing, wonderful.
Grounding can be as simple as looking around and naming five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.
Instead of mentally traveling into tomorrow’s problems, you’re inviting your attention back to the room you’re actually sitting in.
You might notice the color of the walls.
The feeling of your feet against the floor.
The sound of a ceiling fan.
The smell of your coffee.
The taste of the coffee you’ve now reheated three times.
Welcome back to the present.
Breathing exercises can also help. Try inhaling gently for four counts and exhaling for four counts, without forcing your breath.
You don’t have to become a professional breather.
You’ve been doing it your entire life.
We’re simply becoming a little more intentional about it.
If counting makes you more anxious or uncomfortable, that’s okay. Try something else.
Music is another wonderful possibility.
Put on that favorite song.
You know the one.
The song that somehow makes you feel seventeen years old again.
Maybe it’s an old-school classic, something you would never admit is on your playlist, or that one tune you blast in the car while performing what you believe is a Grammy-worthy concert.
Sing along.
Dance if you want to.
Nobody said self-regulation has to be boring.
Guided meditation may work beautifully for some people.
Find a five- or ten-minute recording, get comfortable, and let someone guide your attention for a little while.
You don’t have to become a meditation expert or magically clear every thought from your mind.
Thoughts will probably show up.
That’s what minds do.
The practice is noticing them and gently returning your attention to the exercise.
Again.
And perhaps again.
LEGO is another option I particularly enjoy thinking about.
Grab a LEGO Speed Champions set and build yourself a Ferrari, Porsche, or Lamborghini.
One tiny brick at a time.
Find the right pieces.
Follow the instructions.
Watch something gradually come together.
For a little while, your attention has somewhere specific to go.
And at the end, you have a pretty cool car.
Not a bad deal.
Video games can offer something similar.
Perhaps you enjoy racing through Mario Kart, building an elaborate world in Minecraft, or playing something that requires just enough concentration to give your mind a break from whatever has been occupying it.
Of course, there is a difference between enjoying a little time playing a game and using games to avoid every uncomfortable part of life.
The same could be said about plenty of other activities.
We’re looking for ways to regulate ourselves, not necessarily ways to disappear from our responsibilities.
Progressive muscle relaxation is another useful strategy.
You gently tense and then release different muscle groups, perhaps beginning with your feet and gradually working upward.
It’s almost like giving your entire body permission to unclench.
And you may be surprised by how much tension you’ve been carrying without noticing it.
Walking outside can help too.
Notice the trees.
The breeze.
The sunshine.
The sounds of the neighborhood.
Or the dog that apparently believes every passing squirrel is a national security threat.
Perhaps leave your phone in your pocket for a few minutes.
The world can wait.
Temperature and physical comfort may also be soothing.
Splash some cool water on your face.
Wrap yourself in a favorite blanket.
Take a warm shower.
Hold a comforting cup of tea.
Sometimes attending to the body gives us another way to settle the mind.
And finally, connection can be incredibly meaningful.
Hug someone you love.
Cuddle your dog.
Sit beside your romantic partner.
Call a friend who makes you laugh.
Spend a little time with your children.
Watch something ridiculously funny.
Sometimes what helps us settle isn’t something we do alone.
Sometimes it’s another human being.
Or a dog.
And occasionally, perhaps even a cat.
Find Your Own Combination
Not every strategy will be helpful for every person.
Something that feels calming today may not feel particularly helpful tomorrow.
And an activity that helps one person settle may leave someone else feeling even more restless.
That’s okay.
We’re not trying to build a perfect self-soothing routine.
We’re trying to become more familiar with ourselves and develop a few additional ways to respond when anxiety shows up.
Maybe your favorite strategy is taking a walk.
Maybe it’s listening to music.
Maybe it’s building LEGO.
Maybe it’s spending a few minutes alone.
Maybe it’s sitting beside someone you love.
Perhaps it’s some combination of several things.
The important part is learning what works for you.
And remembering that self-soothing doesn’t necessarily mean making anxiety disappear.
Sometimes the goal is simply to create enough room between what we’re experiencing and how we respond.
Enough room to think.
Enough room to listen.
Enough room to choose.
One More Thing
There’s something else worth considering.
We may become better at recognizing anxiety.
We may learn how to regulate ourselves.
We may even become remarkably good at noticing when we’re beginning to feel overwhelmed.
But we don’t live in isolation.
We live with people.
We work with people.
We raise children, build friendships, love romantic partners, and spend our days interacting with other human beings who have their own emotions, experiences, and anxieties.
And sometimes our anxiety doesn’t stay with us.
Sometimes it begins influencing the people around us.
Almost like something contagious.
Which brings us to the final article in this series.
Because anxiety can spread through a family without anybody ever sneezing.
And perhaps the more interesting discovery is that calm can spread too.